Yep, it’s been a few months. I thought I’d want to write more about this pregnancy but it’s been pretty hard on me mentally and emotionally. Physically, I have very few symptoms – some pain and some nausea but nothing I can’t handle. Mentally, I’ve had it rough – paranoia (being convinced the whole pregnancy is a big joke and everyone’s in on it), anxiety (I’d be fine after an appointment, and by the next appointment 4 weeks later, I’d be convinced there was no way the baby survived), and just overall stress and exhaustion. I have a good support system, both medically and personally, so I know I’ll get through this. I’m just trying to stay positive and keep an eye on it as I go.
Baby is doing great though. We found out last week that we’re having a boy! It was funny, because we had no trouble picking out a girl’s name, but we finally said we’d just have to wait until we knew for sure it was a boy to agree on one. But we did – he’s going to be Lucas Andrew! So far all I know about him is that he’s the perfect size, has all his body parts, and really likes iced shortbread cookies. As soon as I’m done eating them, he squirms like crazy!
Being able to feel him kick and move is a new development – just within the last few days – but it has made a world of difference in my mind. When I feel him moving, I know he’s doing alright and I can relax for a little while. It’s nice, after 5 months of doing nothing but fearing for the worst! Only 18 weeks to go…
My comment in my last post about how this was a safe space to talk about my pregnancy because nobody really read it anyway got me thinking – how many people continue to post because they don’t think anyone is reading? Presumably, the whole point of blogging and putting your thoughts online is so that other people can read them and share input and feedback, but what about people who don’t have a lot of (or any) followers? Does everyone just give up if they’re not going to be remotely internet “famous”, or do people continue to post and share their lives online?
The only thing that’s kept me from posting for the last while is the fact that I thought people would read it that I don’t want knowing all the details of my life. I am starting to come to the realization that it’s not so much what people know that’s the problem, it’s what people decide to share. I feel a lot of times that people’s interest and concern for things going on in my life is less genuine than collecting gossip fodder, and that frustrates me. It’s why I shut people out. It’s odd though, because I’m a completely open door with people who don’t have anything to gain from my news.
Even a question as simple as “how are you feeling?” feels disingenuous to me from certain people. It feels more like a way to say “I spoke with Angela, and she’s feeling ____” as opposed to actually wanting to empathize and talk about my current situation.
My therapist has a theory as to why this is. I might go into this later once we’ve talked it out some more – it makes perfect sense, as most of her theories do. I’m lucky to have access to someone impartial in my life – someone who isn’t influenced by the things and people I’ve fought to get over.
Today, I’m 13 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It’s been a bumpy ride so far – we had some uncertainty for a while but baby seems to be holding on strong now. Let me start at the beginning…
I took a test on a whim one night, and it was positive, but only very slightly so. I only had the one test at home, so I waited until morning and bought a second test – which was negative. I brought a photo of the first test to my doctor and we had blood tested, which was also negative. I assumed it was a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage, and moved on with my life. Two weeks later, another positive test. This time, blood tests were positive, and increasing as expected. At that point, it was very real!
We had a dating ultrasound where we got to see the little Peanut, though at 10 weeks it was more of a gummy bear-shaped blob than anything remotely human. A couple weeks later I went in to see the prenatal doctor, and got to hear the heartbeat! I told Mark that I couldn’t believe I could be so enamored with basically the sound of a washing machine.
Things have been a bit rough – I haven’t had a ton of morning sickness beyond nausea and heartburn, but what I’ve had has been brutal. I keep saying I wish I -could- throw up, because then I might get relief for a few minutes. Fatigue has been the worst part – any days I have any free time, I’m either sleeping or preparing for sleep. I’m hoping this will start to calm down as I get into the second trimester, but for now I’m just trying to take it as easy as possible and rest when I need to.
I’m being a bit selective about who I tell and who I don’t, which is a bit odd given that I’m posting about it here. It’s not so much that I care who knows, but I care who tells the news. It’s an odd, complicated sort of thought, but I want this story to be mine and Mark’s, not everyone else’s. This is a good place to get my thoughts out without judgment or (to be honest) much chance of anyone reading it!
So, it turns out that I’m allergic to Zest soap. Something I’ve used on and off for years. I got home Friday, took a hot bath and then a shower, and an hour later my entire body was covered with itchy red splotches. We went to a 24-hour grocery store (a surprising rarity in the Halifax area – everything closes absurdly early here!) and tried to get some Benadryl, but because it was 10pm, it was all locked up. I grabbed some off-brand allergy control pills and some Aveeno body wash and new shampoo (just in case it was the shampoo I used in the shower), and went home to wash all of the traces of the soap off of myself.
So far, it seems to keep coming back, but not as badly as that first night. The first night, one of my ears swelled up like crazy and was burning hot, and I felt like I was covered in fire ants. Now it’s an (admittedly intense) itch on my wrists, forearms, backs of my hands, chest, lower back, knees, and shins. I joked to Mark that I looked like the kind of cow that would make strawberry milk.
Other than that, it’s been a pretty relaxing weekend. We saw Warcraft on Saturday, which was pretty good. We picked up some prescriptions, played some games, and I did a bit of scrapbooking and cleaned up the Ang Cave a bit.
I’m thinking tonight will be early to bed – I’m trying to rewatch Orange is the New Black before the new season comes out but I’m worried I might not finish it in time!
As a fund accountant, the first week or two of the month (known as “month end” despite it being at the beginning) are always the hardest. Any monthly work we do is due during this time period, so stress is high and pressure is on!
I was lucky today in that my managers let me head home around lunch and work from here. My biggest deadline isn’t until tomorrow so I figured it would be nice to get some work done distraction-free – and it was!Around 6pm, Mark made some tacos and I played a bit of a few games. I couldn’t seem to focus on just one today so I switched until I felt tired enough to come to bed. As a true little-old-lady in the making, that time was around 8:30.
My body has been exhausted lately, and I don’t know how much of it is due to the miscarriage, how much is due to my cycle being thrown off by said miscarriage, and how much is due to work stress and being busy. All I know is that it feels like I’m finally sleeping well, which is amazing. I’ve had a couple of insomnia close-calls but managed to fall asleep regardless.
I’ve been thinking about researching lucid dreaming. It’s something I’ve always been intrigued by – if I’m going to spend 8ish hours sleeping, why not make it something entertaining?
I intentionally walk slower and miss crosswalk lights to avoid making small talk with coworkers on the way to the office. What would I say? Would I be able to keep pace with them? When do I acknowledge them or take my headphones out?
Much easier to spend the extra 30 seconds and miss the light.
Maybe I should stop cross-posting my Instagram photos. I know I just started, but maybe I can condense them into a single post every once in a while. I thought it would be a nice way to keep the blog up to date on my adventures, though.
A lot has been happening lately. I haven’t told a ton of people, but I had a very early miscarriage at the beginning of last week. See, Mark and I are now trying for a baby. I got the positive late Sunday night, and by the time my blood was taken Monday evening, it was already gone. I knew for less than 24 hours. I’d like to say I wasn’t terribly attached in that short span of time, but I already loved the little chia seed.
Other than that drama, not much has been happening. We’ve been working on the Ang cave, and on our wedding scrapbook, and we took a trip to the zoo last weekend (hence the photogenic llamas). We finished Arkham Knight finally (the entire game, including the Riddler fight!) and also finished Life is Strange – both very good games. Mark just picked up Shadows of Mordor and we are getting ready to play through it. Seems like there are a lot of mechanics in the game that are thrown at you early on, so it might be a bit hard to get into at first.
I’m getting excited for Legion – the new WoW expansion. I haven’t played in months – I stopped my subscription due to the declining Canadian dollar and the inclining number of hours I was spending at work – but I have kept my hand in the MMO world with a bit of Guild Wars 2 and Everquest 2. I think mechanics-wise, EQ2 is my all-time favourite, but WoW will always hold a special place in my heart, and I can’t wait to go back.
Perhaps soon I’ll take some photos of the wedding scrapbook to share – I’m quite proud of it! I’m getting used to using my Cricut and have built up a fairly impressive stock of scrapbooking paper and supplies. I didn’t expect to enjoy it so much, but it turns out I do! Next project: learning how to make cards.