This past weekend, my awful depression reared its head again. I sometimes have it managed pretty well, and sometimes I get blindsided by it. This weekend, though, was neither of those. I knew it was coming – I felt a bit sad and lazy, and felt like something was “off”. Mark was going to spend Sunday out playing cards, but I chose to stay in and wallow a bit instead.
It’s weird, sometimes, to put it into words. I try to explain exactly how I’m feeling and why I do what I do, but it’s difficult. I stayed home because I knew I’d be sensitive and needy if I went out, and I wanted Mark to have a day where he got to enjoy himself without worrying about keeping me entertained.
As expected, I sat on the couch and stared at my computer screen. I was on day 12 of a horrible migraine, which I believe was caused by tension and anxiety, so at one point I turned off the computer and took a two-hour nap. I ate when I felt hungry, and showered two or three times to try to relieve the pressure behind my eyes. All the while, though, I felt empty.
It’s a weird thing, feeling empty. I felt like I didn’t have people, and like I didn’t have a purpose. It was almost as if I just didn’t matter. Logically, I know that these things are untrue. But when I’m feeling down, there’s no stopping me from feeling a bit like an island, alone in a giant sea of people.
It’s interesting, though, because Mark came home and knew what I needed. He listed off all the people who wondered where I was and why I wasn’t there, and that helped – a lot. It reminded me that people actually do notice when I’m missing, and that I’m not just one of those people that they only remember when I’m right in front of them.
Of course, he then listened to me cry for two hours about how unfair it was that I feel this way, when I just want to feel “normal”. I told him it’s like a bully inside my head, picking on me all the time. The only problem is that when the bully is in your head, you can’t make it go away as easily.
One good thing is coming of this, though. I’m going to be seeing a counsellor in the next few weeks to try to work through this. I’m hoping to get enough out of the fog to try to see an actual doctor, too, so wish me luck.