The Scary Post

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items we carry © by jronaldlee

I have avoided talking about this since the blog was restarted because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to try to keep things upbeat and positive all the time, instead of dwelling on the negative stuff going on with me. However, that came at a bad time, because I had so many bad things going on that I didn’t have much to say – which explains all the posts about what other people had to say. Not that I want to stop doing my Friday Favourites, but I don’t want that to be the bulk of what I write about.

Instead, I’m going to come clean. Most of the people reading this have known me for some time, and already know that I have severe depression. The problem is, I haven’t been coping with it very well. I just kept taking more classes, and giving myself more of a burden – then hating myself and giving myself horrible guilt-trips every time I couldn’t handle it all. Last semester, I skipped half my classes – not because I was sick, but because there were so many days that getting out of bed in the morning took more energy than I had.

The worst part is that I get so frustrated about it all. While I know it’s not my fault, and I can’t control it, I just wish I could fight past it. So many people are dealing with so many things, and here I am sad about everything and nothing, all at the same time. It’s exhausting.

I finally had enough of it, though – I went to see a psychologist last week about some therapy. I hated making the appointment, though. It felt like giving up the control that I should have over my brain, and over my emotions, and over my life. The therapy will help – I know this – but it’s hard for me. I don’t remember what it’s like to not feel sad or anxious all the time, and I don’t know what it’ll be like when things start to change.

I’ll probably talk a little bit about what I’m feeling throughout this process, because otherwise I might not get everything out the way I need to. Not only that, but this blog will dry up horribly if I just try to hide all the bad stuff. Like I said – anxiety and depression aren’t things that I can exactly help. I can only learn how to deal with them, which is what I’m trying to do.

The big problem now is the Metro Transit strike. Not only will I have to pay nearly $100 in cab fares next week alone for the two midterms that I have, but I’ll be missing most of my classes, and I am not able to make another appointment with the counselling centre or with the doctor that I need to see to evaluate whether I need medication until it’s done. I hate that once I finally put one foot forward toward “fixing” what’s going on with me, something jumps in to throw a wrench in it. That said, I’m not willing to walk four and a half hours, across a bridge and on the waterfront, in below-freezing temperatures. I can’t imagine that’d be any better for my health than postponing my appointment until the strike is over with.

Note that I’m not putting my opinion in about the strike. It’s not that I don’t have one – I do, and poor Mark has had to hear it – it’s that I don’t want to rant about something like that any more than about how it affects me. There’s obviously something going on under the surface of those negotiations that we’re not being told. I just wish they’d done this in the summer, instead of in the winter. Our city is pretty screwed up until this gets fixed.

Friday Favourites

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quotes © by emmasen

I had a bit of a rough week this week, which I’ll be posting about next week in a bit more detail. (Sorry for being all cryptic on ya! I promise it’ll make sense soon.) It’s weeks like these, though, where reading encouraging posts on the internet and seeing how happy people are helps – a lot. Here are some of my favourites for the week!

What fantastic, uplifting things have you read this week?

My Favourite Minecrafters

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The Village in Minecraft © by post-apocalyptic research institute

I have to admit: I watch a lot of Minecraft videos on YouTube. I especially like the series videos, like Let’s Play-style or long challenge survival maps. Here are some of my favourites!

Etho’s Lab: He’s got a fantastic Let’s Play series and he’s playing through one of Vechs’ survival maps, Legendary. It’s interesting, because every time I watch one of his videos, I learn something new!

Docm77: I picture him a bit as the “mad scientist” of the Minecraft world. He’s always trying new things and pushing Minecraft to its limits, and in the meantime, has built an amazing world in his World Tour series!

Zisteau: I’ve watched through all the current videos for his Legendary series (the same map that Etho, above, is playing through) and am filling my time now watching through his Kaizo Caverns series. He approaches the maps in a different way: intent to break all the rules. The best part is that the kind of maps he’s playing actually reward that behaviour, so it always ends up working out.

Avidya Zen: This is a channel I watch not only for his “Avidya’s Adventures” series (a Minecraft Let’s Play), but also for his old Terraria series, since that’s a game I’m getting more and more into these days. (More on this later!) He’s also got fantastic tutorials that really break things down to a manageable level.

Vechs: I’ve already mentioned him twice, since he’s the creator of the Legendary and Kaizo Cavern map – among many other amazing maps. However, he’s taken it to the next level, and is playing through one of his newest maps, with a developer commentary along the way. It’s so awesome to see what kind of thought goes into making the amazing maps and traps and structures.

Do you watch any Minecraft videos on YouTube? I’m always on the lookout for good new channels!