I have avoided talking about this since the blog was restarted because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to try to keep things upbeat and positive all the time, instead of dwelling on the negative stuff going on with me. However, that came at a bad time, because I had so many bad things going on that I didn’t have much to say – which explains all the posts about what other people had to say. Not that I want to stop doing my Friday Favourites, but I don’t want that to be the bulk of what I write about.
Instead, I’m going to come clean. Most of the people reading this have known me for some time, and already know that I have severe depression. The problem is, I haven’t been coping with it very well. I just kept taking more classes, and giving myself more of a burden – then hating myself and giving myself horrible guilt-trips every time I couldn’t handle it all. Last semester, I skipped half my classes – not because I was sick, but because there were so many days that getting out of bed in the morning took more energy than I had.
The worst part is that I get so frustrated about it all. While I know it’s not my fault, and I can’t control it, I just wish I could fight past it. So many people are dealing with so many things, and here I am sad about everything and nothing, all at the same time. It’s exhausting.
I finally had enough of it, though – I went to see a psychologist last week about some therapy. I hated making the appointment, though. It felt like giving up the control that I should have over my brain, and over my emotions, and over my life. The therapy will help – I know this – but it’s hard for me. I don’t remember what it’s like to not feel sad or anxious all the time, and I don’t know what it’ll be like when things start to change.
I’ll probably talk a little bit about what I’m feeling throughout this process, because otherwise I might not get everything out the way I need to. Not only that, but this blog will dry up horribly if I just try to hide all the bad stuff. Like I said – anxiety and depression aren’t things that I can exactly help. I can only learn how to deal with them, which is what I’m trying to do.
The big problem now is the Metro Transit strike. Not only will I have to pay nearly $100 in cab fares next week alone for the two midterms that I have, but I’ll be missing most of my classes, and I am not able to make another appointment with the counselling centre or with the doctor that I need to see to evaluate whether I need medication until it’s done. I hate that once I finally put one foot forward toward “fixing” what’s going on with me, something jumps in to throw a wrench in it. That said, I’m not willing to walk four and a half hours, across a bridge and on the waterfront, in below-freezing temperatures. I can’t imagine that’d be any better for my health than postponing my appointment until the strike is over with.
Note that I’m not putting my opinion in about the strike. It’s not that I don’t have one – I do, and poor Mark has had to hear it – it’s that I don’t want to rant about something like that any more than about how it affects me. There’s obviously something going on under the surface of those negotiations that we’re not being told. I just wish they’d done this in the summer, instead of in the winter. Our city is pretty screwed up until this gets fixed.