So, the buses are back. Here’s a pause for some well-deserved cheering and clapping.

Anyway, here’s the funny thing. Because the university was way too far for me to walk, I had to take cabs or drives from people I paid who weren’t cab drivers. (It sounds really shady when I put it that way.) Over the course of the six weeks, I estimate my losses at about $250 for drives there and back.

Normally when you pay for a cab ride, you don’t have anything to show for the ride except for the fact that you’re in a different place than when you started, and your wallet is a bit lighter. This time, though, my $250 bought me something tangible – ten pounds. I stepped on the scale yesterday to see where things were going, and I was not as shocked as I probably could have been.

Unfortunately, I’m at my highest weight since I moved in with Mark. Ever since my trip to see my family in October, my life balance has been all off. I’ve been stressing about school, I’ve been worried about people, and I’ve undone all the work that was put in over the last three years to fix my self-esteem.

On top of that, when I get stressed, I gain weight naturally. Then I eat more because I’m not eating healthy food and I’m never full – but I’m too depressed or anxious to cook so I eat something easy. And then I stress out because I’m gaining weight and feeling like crap from all the junk I’ve put in my body, so I gain more weight. It’s the worst cycle to be a part of, and it’s so hard to break it!

I then start feeling guilty about everything I’m eating, and feel like giving up and just staying gigantic forever. It’s not a healthy way to be.

So on Sunday, I did a short Power 90 workout. Just the toning workout, but I’m still feeling it two days later, so I guess I must have done well. Then yesterday, I went for a 20 minute walk to recharge my sun meter and try to beat those silly fat cells into submission. Before I get any snark about it, no, 20 minutes is not a ridiculously long time, but when you’ve been cooped up in the house for as long as I have, it’s good to work my way back slowly instead of getting burnt out too quickly.

I just need to be accountable for what goes into my body, and what I use the food for. I know that there are more things going on with my body that could affect my weight – and for that I need to see a doctor soon – but I want to take charge of what I can control.

Enough is enough.

Is anyone using MyFitnessPal? My page is private since I have a fear of being judged based on what I eat or do, but I imagine having a few non-judgmental friends on there might help keep me motivated.

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