Last weekend, Mark’s younger sister came to visit to play some board games, and brought us a surprise: some of Mark’s old school work from primary and elementary school! It was so hilarious reading some of the things he wrote (one of the best lines was about how He-Man was Mark’s best friends) that I decided to share some of my history with him once she had gone home. I brought out my diary that I started keeping after Christmas in first grade and started reading. Granted, most of the entries were about how excited I was to play Nintendo, or how sad I was that I didn’t have time to play Nintendo (yes, I was even a gamer back in 1991), but it struck something with me that I haven’t felt for a while.
I realized that as much as I love blogging here, I find that a lot of the things I want to write are clouded with things that I don’t want to share with the world. Sure, I’ve written about depression and anxiety and being in a funk that’s school-related, but I don’t need to share every detail of every moment when I’m hating my body, or feeling like a failure. Those things need to get out somewhere, though, or else every single thought I have is full of them.
So I brought back diary-writing. I’m not going to lie – it’s terribly awkward. Trying to write down everything that pops into my head when I start feeling different things makes me feel ridiculous, and I often want to censor it. But the whole point of it is to not have to censor it, so I’m trying to keep that in mind and write whenever a thought pops up.
The goal is that writing things down privately will help clear my mind of all the things I want to write about but not make public, and give me room in my brain to sort out the things that I want to share here. (Or something like that, in better terms!)
Here’s the thing: at my age, nobody talks about writing in a diary (or a journal, if you want to sound more adult about it). It makes me wonder – do other people do it?