Alright, so the seasons changed ages ago. It’s just now starting to feel like autumn, though. Mark bought me a nice warm coat as an early Christmas gift (this one, if you’re curious) and I’ve been wearing it just about everywhere. There hasn’t been a ton of rain, and the wind hasn’t been too awful from what I’ve seen, but I’ve been mostly inside, so I may have missed it.
This is a special autumn for me. Autumn has always been my favourite season – I love the fact that it’s still warm enough to stay outside without being miserable, but it’s cool enough that you aren’t sticky hot or dying from the sunshine. One of my favourite things to do is crunch leaves on the ground (especially when they’re extra-dry and crunchy!), and let’s face it: autumn is the season of pumpkin spice and apples, two of the best scents and flavours in the world!
Unfortunately, the last ten years or so, I’ve been lost in my own world. The anxiety and depression has been eating me alive, to the point where I couldn’t even really enjoy the things I love most. In the last month, it’s gotten so bad that I’ve stayed home most of the time – missed most of my classes (trying to continue to learn and finish my assignments from home) and stayed in pajamas all day.
Not many people like to talk about when they hit rock bottom – and I’m generally one of them. My family might have a hint of what’s going on with me, but I never tell them flat-out. I guess part of that is the fear of the replies (“If you’re that stressed out, just move back home!” isn’t terribly helpful when no matter where I am, I’ll be sad) but a big part of it is just not wanting to appear weak. I’ve made it on my own out here, and I’m rocking at the school thing, so I’d rather just try to focus on the positives – to anyone but myself.
I’ve finally sought treatment, though. I’m on a new medication (Cipralex) and I’m seeing a therapist to try to work through these things. It’s been just over a week now, and Mark (and our friends) already notices a difference. It’s been pretty intense for me, too. I was hit with a few side effects at first: headaches (which technically happened before the medication, but felt different), nausea, and extreme exhaustion. I ended up missing classes for the most part of this week just because I was too tired to get out of bed on time! Instead of hating myself for being “lazy”, though, I was gentler and kinder – I knew my body needed the rest.
I’ve had a few moments in the past week where I’ve felt a bit off – I’ve been a bit sad or frustrated, or I’ve woken up with anxious thoughts (this happened last night, probably because I knew I had to come in for blood work and miss my first class today) but I’ve actually been able to work my way out of it.
Another thing that helps, as silly as this is, is that our bathroom renovation is now complete. Well, mostly complete: we don’t have a towel rack anymore (we either need to have them come back to put one in or buy one ourselves, I suppose), the fixture over our light bulb was never replaced and it’s now just a bare bulb, and they accidentally broke through to our bedroom closet wall when removing the tub, and patched the hole, but never painted it. However, these are such minor things – the bathroom looks incredible! I keep looking at it and feeling complete satisfaction. I don’t know if it’s one of those “you had to be there” for the before, or if the bathroom is just so fantastic now that it’s irresistible, but I love it. In theory, I’ll get some photos up at some point soon, but for now just take my word for it – it’s wonderful.
Here’s hoping the progress I’ve been seeing continues – I kinda like this “new me”!