5/4/2010: To-Do List

Depression is a jerk. Seriously.

I keep sitting down and thinking “I need to blog more” and then realizing that there’s nothing especially wonderful to talk about. I start thinking of awesome things that I could mention or write about, and then the negative thoughts jump in and pull me away from my computer – or at least from my site. “Nobody even reads it, and if they did, they’d think you’re nuts.” “You should only write if you’re living a super exciting life, and you stayed in your pajamas all day.”

So, in order to kick my negative thoughts out of my head, I’m writing anyway. There’s definitely nothing thrilling going on, but at least I’ll feel like I’m getting my thoughts out somewhere. That’s something, right? So, this post is going to be a list-y post; I don’t have enough solid trains of thought at 4am (I still haven’t figured out how to fix my sleeping troubles) to write cohesive paragraphs.

– I’m in desperate need of a vacation. I find myself looking up prices for rental cars for a weekend so we can consider going back up to PEI for a few days and visit Mark’s grandma, but then I realize that I barely have enough in my bank account to cover rent and groceries and a bus pass for the month, and I get deflated. The more deflated I feel, the more I need a vacation. It’s a vicious cycle, and I honestly think the only way out of it is to actually get away for a weekend. I’m hoping we find a way to make that happen, because the more I sit in the apartment, the more I want to curl up in a ball and sleep until I graduate.

– I’m playing through one of my favourite games of all time: Shining Force II. I haven’t beaten the game since I was around the age of 14 or 15, and it’s so cool to see all the characters and all the fights again. It’s like reconnecting with an old friend!

– I’m feeling terribly lonely lately. I’m in a position in my life where I have quite a few friends, but they’ve all got a lot going on. New babies, jobs, children, wedding planning – you name it, it’s happening in my friends’ lives. It might sound selfish (I hope it doesn’t, but it might!) but it makes me feel awful in two ways: first, the activity in their lives means that their life is moving on and happening while I sit here alone, and it makes me frustrated to feel like nobody has time for me. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for all the awesome things that people have going on, and I’m completely understanding and supportive of them! I just miss having the time to form solid connections with people, and feel like I’m a bit invisible some days.) Second, it makes me feel more frustrated about the sort of stillness going on in my life. There’s only so many times you can answer the question “what’s going on in your life?” with “Classes, as usual.” Feeding into the need for a vacation that I mentioned above, I’ve been in classes nonstop since September of 2010, and I. Am. Fried. I need a break! I need some excitement! I need some good news in my life that I can feel awesome about! We’re in no place in our lives to consider buying a house or having a baby, I have to wait until I get my divorce finalized to consider the idea of marriage, and I feel like I’m so far away from graduating, when in reality it’s just under a year away. I need something exciting! I need adventure!

– I mentioned earlier that my sleeping habits need some work, and boy – do they ever. I didn’t sleep last night, but rather went to bed around 9am and woke up around 1:30 or so. Tonight, I got to bed feeling exhausted, and then suddenly felt wide awake again and gave up on sleeping for a bit. I wish I could just freeze time until I feel better – between near-constant pain and completely-constant depression and anxiety, I’m like a walking zombie from the amount of hours I spend awake, fretting about this or that.

– Speaking of pain, I finally have a doctor appointment with a more specialized doctor. The bad news is that I have to wait until next month (the end of June) to get in, but it’s not emergent and I’m willing to wait, considering it’s all covered by Canadian healthcare. (Yay, Canada!) I guess the catalyst was when I went to my usual doctor (the one who prescribes my anxiety/depression/OCD meds) and said “Listen, I’ve been in pain almost constantly for 15 years, the pain is so bad that it keeps me from leaving my bed (let alone my apartment), and there’s something seriously wrong. Of course, the fact that it had been my “time of the month” for 27 days straight at that point probably had something to do with it, too. (Sorry for the TMI, but it explains just why I was so impatient to see a doctor!) I’m hoping they can figure out what’s wrong, though I’m vaguely concerned that there might be nothing they can do for me. Generally the first course of treatment for the symptoms I have is hormonal birth control pills, but the doctor would not prescribe them when I saw him after telling me that having migraines puts me at risk for a stroke with the pills. No, thanks.

– While it feels better to write about my health and the struggles that I’m facing, I’m always afraid to mention it to people. I feel like I’m not only defining myself by my problems (I likely have endometriosis! I’m always depressed! I have migraines! Oh, by the way, I’m Angela!) but also I feel like I sound… like a hypochondriac, I guess. I’m always very hesitant to see a doctor or seek help, because I’m always worried it’s in my head or something – or at least that people will think that. It frustrates me that I’m so worried about these things that I would postpone getting actual help and taking care of myself. I’m nearing 30 – isn’t it time that I stop worrying about whether people are judging me?

Anyway, that’s a bit of an insight into my life these days. Nothing terribly exciting, but I’ve written over 1,000 words now, so I may as well keep it. Of course, I’d be happy to hear about something much more fun and thrilling!

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