Blank Sketchbook

Blank pages are terrifying. I seem to have a very specific blog-related form of writer’s block, and it’s driving me nuts! I have all sorts of thoughts running through my head, and things that I want to write about, and then I hit a wall and start thinking of all the reasons that I shouldn’t write about them. They’re too boring. They’re too sad. Nobody wants to read random rants. On and on and on.

I know that my brain is usually tricking me with these thoughts, but they’re hard to shake. Mental health issues are a tricky beast. It makes me feel good to know that people in general are paying more attention to them, but it still doesn’t help me in the war to tame my own beast in my brain.

My doctor is talking about taking me off of my medication in about two months. He says that the medication was not meant to be a long-term solution to my anxiety and depression, and he seems to think that it’s now coming to be the time when I should have it under control. I feel awful about this, but I feel like I need a new doctor to talk to and figure things out – like maybe he isn’t taking me as seriously as I’d hoped. Even with the medication I’m functional at best, and I have so few “good” days that I’ve wondered if it’s enough. I have good moments, of course, but they seem to be fewer and further between these days. Despite the medication, I still have random bouts of “emptiness” – every single day.

I try to keep from burdening my friends with these thoughts. They all have things they’re going through, and I don’t want to trouble them. I feel like there’s not much I can say that will explain how I feel or why I feel that way, and I feel like I “should” be able to just pull myself out of whatever funk I’m in, and make it better. So instead, I put on a happy face and try to fight off thoughts about how I could lose all my friends, or how I annoy them, or other silly things like that.

I feel like I’m on a time limit for the bit of sanity I’ve hung onto for the last 6 months, and I’m honestly frightened. If he takes me off the medication, what happens then? Do I fall back into my black pit of despair and just deal with it for the last year of my education? How will I find a job and function in society if I can hardly get up and take a shower in the morning without wanting to break down in tears or curl up with a blanket and hide from the world?

Why can’t I get a handle on my thoughts?

2 comments on “Blank Pages”

  1. found the comment button 🙂

    where to start?

    well first off your not going to lose any friends, some of us are very well aware of how hard it is to deal with depression and have experienced the same concerns with doctors as well. mind you if this is the same one you dealt with for the pain issue, please for the love of mark( no such thing as god 😛 )go to someone else from now on, heck walk ins would be better than that dumbass.
    also if you find that your not ready to deal with out the meds then you shouldnt be taken off them if its causing panic attacks. and if they arent working to the total effect that they should be kinda sounds like they arent, you should find a better doctor and talk about trying different medications until you do find a combination that works.
    as for medication not being a long term solution? thats a load of crap 😛 as i can atest personally there are some of us out there where thats the only solution to the problem.
    finally dont worry about burdening us, we are your friends and thats what friends are for to help share the load when things are hard. besides to alot of us your family not just a friend so lean on us we want you to if it will help, no matter what else is going on k? i know how hard it can be to deal with the emptyness, and what its like but theres no need to go it alone ang 🙂

    ps sorry for the jay rant and the typical difficult reading one lol 😛

  2. I really wish I knew exactly what to say. I don’t think there’s anything I can say that will make it all go away, though that would be nice. I’ve never dealt with the kind of depression you are dealing with, but I have read enough accounts of it that I can at least understand how you are feeling. I think that seeing another doctor would definitely benefit you and, if nothing else, it’s not going to hurt to try. I seems like you have a really wonderful group of friends surrounding you *points above* and I think they could be key to getting you through this.

    Please know that even though we have never met in real life, you are cared for. I’m always here to listen if need be 🙂 Take care.

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