So, it’s been nearly two months since I sat down to write anything here. I don’t really know why – it’s a combination of being ultra-busy and trying to manage my mental health and emotions without pouring them all out to a million people. (Not that a million people would ever read this, but that’s not the point.)
I started my new job in June. I love my job, and I love where I work – the people are fantastic and I feel completely at ease with the job itself. It’s a steep learning curve, even after four years of school, but they’re being patient and understanding with me and are willing to help. It’s wonderful and I’m grateful for the opportunity I’ve been given.
The flip side of that is that my anxiety is being a super monster once again. I find myself panicking every time something goes wrong or I make a mistake or I have to answer a question – like if I’m not perfect I’ll lose this wonderfully amazing job that I love so much. Rationally, I can see that this is absurd. They wouldn’t keep giving me work and they wouldn’t tell me I’m doing well if I wasn’t. But mental illness is nothing if not irrational, and whatever energy I don’t spend on doing my actual job, I spend on keeping my brain in check at all times. It’s exhausting.
So exhausting, in fact, that I curl up in bed at 7:30 most nights and start to prepare my brain for sleep. It usually takes a few hours to actually fall asleep, but let’s just say my spoon levels are low enough that I don’t have the energy to sit up or socialize most days. The days that I -do- socialize, I take four times as long to recover from.
On top of this, the health issues continue to multiply. When I had my ultrasound to check for my Mirena, apparently they found a polyp on my uterus that needs to be removed. I don’t know when this will be (our hospitals here schedule things and then send you a letter to let you know when they’ve scheduled them) but that will be delightful, I’m sure. On top of that, I had to go in for some blood tests last week – the new specialist thinks I might have PCOS in addition to or instead of endometriosis. I’ve been tested for PCOS before and it came back negative, but I’d rather let this doctor do what he needs to in order to find some answers. I’m tired of feeling like utter garbage all the time.
Right now, I’m feeling the effects of my depression the hardest. I don’t know why I’m sad, and I’m not feeling actively sad, but rather just… empty. Nothing looks fun, nothing feels good, and I just kinda want to curl up in a ball in a soundproof box until I figure things out. The worst part is that I’m no longer seeing a therapist (she saw me on one of my “good” days and decided that I’m perfectly capable of handling this on my own and basically said that I don’t need therapy anymore) and I’m down to the last few pills of my medication. I’m terrified of trying to go into a clinic and get more meds because they might give me a hard time (the last one did, and made me feel awful about the whole situation) and so I’m just taking lower doses trying to make it last. Not good, I know, but sometimes my well-being suffers for the sake of my anxiety. It’s just a vicious circle, and I need a medical support system that is going to be there when I need it and actually listen.
In a nutshell, things are… mediocre. All of the good things are basically cancelled out by the bad things and I’m left with an empty feeling and anxiety. I’m not sure how much longer I can stay afloat, but I’m mostly just trying not to drown. We’ll see what happens, I guess.