It’s 2:30 am and I can’t sleep, but I can’t feel comfortable writing all of the things that are keeping me from sleeping because I don’t know how much of my life I’m okay with sharing online anymore.
I used to have no boundaries, no secrets, no limit to what I would share. It’s not that I’m into anything unusual or illegal or anything like that, I’ve just come to value my privacy more and more as I’ve gotten older and made heavier life decisions.
It’s frustrating, though, because I want to be able to open up to the world and explain everything that’s going on in my head. Of course, there aren’t that many people around who would see it – when is the last time someone actually came here to read anything?
I just wish all of the lines in my life weren’t so blurry right now. I have the best husband, and a fantastic job, and so many things are going my way. I just feel like I’m stuck in a tiny box and can’t scream loud enough for anyone to hear me. My depression is acting up horribly – I can see that clearly – but I’m fighting like hell to keep it from taking over my mind. It’s just exhausting to be fighting this battle 24/7.
It doesn’t help that I’m almost literally surrounded by people having children, when I don’t know if that’s even a possibility for me. All of my medical tests lately have come back relatively normal – I don’t have PCOS, which is good, and I’m not diabetic (which is unrelated but the “specialist” I saw was convinced of both of those – but I’m still having lots of fertility-related problems. The most recent was spending Easter weekend in and out of the hospital and doctor’s offices – I was bleeding profusely and ended up needing to take a week off of work to recover. I’ve since been put on some medication to try to slow things down when they start to get bad, but nobody can tell why it happened in the first place.
I just want to know – will I ever become a mom? And if I do, can I handle it?