I’m having a bit of a hard time today. I had some family drama go down over the weekend, and my heart hurts to think about it. I’m sure it’s all for the best, but everything is still pretty raw and I’m not quite mentally well-adjusted enough to fully process it. I’ve made an appointment with my therapist, but sadly she was booked up until mid-May, so this might pass by then.

The stress of it all even got to my dreams, which set the tone for my entire day today. Last night my dream was all about the many ways I could fail Lucas as an infant – from not knowing what items to buy, to him not wanting to sit with me, to my nearly suffocating him. I woke up in a panic and haven’t quite shaken the feeling off yet.

He’s growing so well, though. Every day he seems to be more and more advanced, and I think he’s going through the first of the “wonder weeks”. He’s infinitely more aware and awake, but also quite a bit more frustrated while he learns to adjust to the world being much bigger than it was previously for him. I’m grateful this is well-documented online and in books, or it might fuel my fear that I’m going to mess him up somehow.

I know that these feelings are normal and that they’ll most likely pass before I’m too deep into them, but it’s hard to feel this way and also try to be a normal human for everyone around. The last thing I want is a giant pity party, but hearing that I’m “dealing with it just fine” feels dismissive at the same time. I’m currently a walking contradiction.

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