I know that the time will come all too quickly when Lucas no longer wants to snuggle constantly. Right now, one of the easiest ways to calm him if he’s having a rough time is to put him on his mama’s shoulder and just wait. I knew even before he was born that he would be affectionate – and I’m so glad my instincts were right.
Sure, I’m not getting a lot done around the apartment right now, and I’m still adjusting to a new schedule, but it’s totally worth it to look down and see that little kissy face that means Lucas is totally relaxed and happy and about to sleep. It makes my heart feel full.
One thing I can’t say I was prepared for when it comes to motherhood is the fact that my migraines are back in full force. It’s infinitely harder to have a migraine and try to keep a small human content at the same time!
That said, I’m still loving motherhood so much. Lucas is so sweet and snuggly – just as I expected he would be. I don’t know how I could tell before he was born, but I just had a feeling that he would rely on being close to people, and he does. Even when I put him on the couch next to me while we’re up at night, he inches his way toward me until he’s snuggled right up against me. His instinct is to be as close as possible to me at all times, and I am trying to savour it as much as I can since I know that before long he will be “too old” for this kind of closeness.
He’s one month old today. How is it possible that a month has already gone by? And how have I managed to keep him alive and happy? We’ve had no major issues, and I’ve fallen into a pretty consistent routine with him. That said, I keep feeling like his real parents are going to come take him and thank me for watching him. I wonder how long it will be before my brain can reconcile the fact that he really is my son and I’m a mother now. I feel the motherly instincts – I’ve fallen right into taking care of him and am madly in love – but I have a hard time believing that he sees me the same way that I saw my mother as a kid.
Parenthood is so weird.
Right now, Mark and I are “working” opposite schedules. I’m on the night shift, keeping the little man quiet and calm through the night so that Mark can get some sleep. Then when the sun comes up, I retire to the bedroom so that we can sleep while Mark works from home. It’s probably not the most recommended method of getting Lucas on a proper schedule, but it seems to work for us for now.
Lucas is still so well-behaved. He’s had plenty of nights of cluster feeding, but I’m now starting to get more used to it all. I’m amazed by how much love I feel for this tiny little creature, but he’s completely stolen my heart. I know all new parents feel this way at some point, and I also know they all think that their kid is the best, but he’s just perfect.
…I need to get out of the “new mother” haze soon. I’m sure I’m driving everyone crazy with how much I talk about him!
One thing I want to do eventually is type up his birth story. It was quite eventful – the short version is that he was 10 days late, I was induced super early in the morning, 17 hours of active labour went by, and I ended up needing a c-section, which led to me hemorrhaging on the table because my body was not recovered from the long labour. It was a rocky start to my beautiful boy’s life, but I would do it all again to get him here!
…This is what happens when I’m on a weird sleeping schedule. I babble! I’m just looking forward to recovering fully so that I feel more human and can get some things done around the apartment.
…is the weirdest thing I’ve ever experienced. I’m convinced that this is a temporary situation and this little guy will go to his “real parents” any day now. But he’s mine and Mark’s – he’s not going anywhere and he’s just full of love and neediness and warmth and that amazing new baby smell. I can’t get enough of him.
I find myself watching him sleep just to see all the new facial expressions he’s “learned” that day. He makes little kissy faces right before he falls asleep, and if something startles him, he throws both of his hands over his head like he’s on a roller coaster.
It’s crazy being so in love and so frightened of everything all at once.
Yep, it’s been a few months. I thought I’d want to write more about this pregnancy but it’s been pretty hard on me mentally and emotionally. Physically, I have very few symptoms – some pain and some nausea but nothing I can’t handle. Mentally, I’ve had it rough – paranoia (being convinced the whole pregnancy is a big joke and everyone’s in on it), anxiety (I’d be fine after an appointment, and by the next appointment 4 weeks later, I’d be convinced there was no way the baby survived), and just overall stress and exhaustion. I have a good support system, both medically and personally, so I know I’ll get through this. I’m just trying to stay positive and keep an eye on it as I go.
Baby is doing great though. We found out last week that we’re having a boy! It was funny, because we had no trouble picking out a girl’s name, but we finally said we’d just have to wait until we knew for sure it was a boy to agree on one. But we did – he’s going to be Lucas Andrew! So far all I know about him is that he’s the perfect size, has all his body parts, and really likes iced shortbread cookies. As soon as I’m done eating them, he squirms like crazy!
Being able to feel him kick and move is a new development – just within the last few days – but it has made a world of difference in my mind. When I feel him moving, I know he’s doing alright and I can relax for a little while. It’s nice, after 5 months of doing nothing but fearing for the worst! Only 18 weeks to go…
Maybe I should stop cross-posting my Instagram photos. I know I just started, but maybe I can condense them into a single post every once in a while. I thought it would be a nice way to keep the blog up to date on my adventures, though.
A lot has been happening lately. I haven’t told a ton of people, but I had a very early miscarriage at the beginning of last week. See, Mark and I are now trying for a baby. I got the positive late Sunday night, and by the time my blood was taken Monday evening, it was already gone. I knew for less than 24 hours. I’d like to say I wasn’t terribly attached in that short span of time, but I already loved the little chia seed.
Other than that drama, not much has been happening. We’ve been working on the Ang cave, and on our wedding scrapbook, and we took a trip to the zoo last weekend (hence the photogenic llamas). We finished Arkham Knight finally (the entire game, including the Riddler fight!) and also finished Life is Strange – both very good games. Mark just picked up Shadows of Mordor and we are getting ready to play through it. Seems like there are a lot of mechanics in the game that are thrown at you early on, so it might be a bit hard to get into at first.
I’m getting excited for Legion – the new WoW expansion. I haven’t played in months – I stopped my subscription due to the declining Canadian dollar and the inclining number of hours I was spending at work – but I have kept my hand in the MMO world with a bit of Guild Wars 2 and Everquest 2. I think mechanics-wise, EQ2 is my all-time favourite, but WoW will always hold a special place in my heart, and I can’t wait to go back.
Perhaps soon I’ll take some photos of the wedding scrapbook to share – I’m quite proud of it! I’m getting used to using my Cricut and have built up a fairly impressive stock of scrapbooking paper and supplies. I didn’t expect to enjoy it so much, but it turns out I do! Next project: learning how to make cards.