This past weekend, my awful depression reared its head again. I sometimes have it managed pretty well, and sometimes I get blindsided by it. This weekend, though, was neither of those. I knew it was coming – I felt a bit sad and lazy, and felt like something was “off”. Mark was going to spend Sunday out playing cards, but I chose to stay in and wallow a bit instead.
It’s weird, sometimes, to put it into words. I try to explain exactly how I’m feeling and why I do what I do, but it’s difficult. I stayed home because I knew I’d be sensitive and needy if I went out, and I wanted Mark to have a day where he got to enjoy himself without worrying about keeping me entertained.
As expected, I sat on the couch and stared at my computer screen. I was on day 12 of a horrible migraine, which I believe was caused by tension and anxiety, so at one point I turned off the computer and took a two-hour nap. I ate when I felt hungry, and showered two or three times to try to relieve the pressure behind my eyes. All the while, though, I felt empty.
It’s a weird thing, feeling empty. I felt like I didn’t have people, and like I didn’t have a purpose. It was almost as if I just didn’t matter. Logically, I know that these things are untrue. But when I’m feeling down, there’s no stopping me from feeling a bit like an island, alone in a giant sea of people.
It’s interesting, though, because Mark came home and knew what I needed. He listed off all the people who wondered where I was and why I wasn’t there, and that helped – a lot. It reminded me that people actually do notice when I’m missing, and that I’m not just one of those people that they only remember when I’m right in front of them.
Of course, he then listened to me cry for two hours about how unfair it was that I feel this way, when I just want to feel “normal”. I told him it’s like a bully inside my head, picking on me all the time. The only problem is that when the bully is in your head, you can’t make it go away as easily.
One good thing is coming of this, though. I’m going to be seeing a counsellor in the next few weeks to try to work through this. I’m hoping to get enough out of the fog to try to see an actual doctor, too, so wish me luck.
I saw a man in a top hat on the bus this week, and it made my day. No, it made my week. I couldn’t believe it! After all the complaining I have about the way people dress these days (more on this later, I promise) and with all the people I see in sweatpants and baseball caps, it was so nice to see someone wearing an actual article of clothing. Every time I started feeling anxious, I thought about the top hat! It’s a good way to start the week.
Here are a few other things that I loved this week:
Well-Dressed Men – this article showed up just a day after seeing Mr. Top Hat (mentioned above) and I was so excited. It’s nice to see men who are put-together and fashionable. Is there anything more attractive? Maybe not…
6 Simple Yoga Stretches for Daily De-Stressing – I did just three of these and immediately felt tired, like the tension had rapidly exited my body. Amazing!
On Being a Plus-Size Girl in a Skinny Girl World made me smile. I often see girls (sometimes even bigger than myself) who carry themselves with such confidence that I wonder what their secret is. Clearly, they just learned how to love themselves. It shows!
The Most Useful Grammar Post Ever. How handy is this? I’m in a business communication class right now and spend more time thinking about grammar and things than I probably will ever need to again, but it’s nice to have a handy reference.
Jen from My Smiling Heart says ENOUGH. I’m inclined to agree.
Notice anything strange?
How about the lack of previous posts? Or perhaps the lack of pages?
I miss them already.
See, I’m working on a few secret projects right now, and one of them required a new domain (not technically for me) and web hosting, so I bit the bullet and set up a hosting package for it. It occurred to me that having unlimited bandwidth on my site wouldn’t be such a bad thing, since I was running out every month. (As an aside, where is it all going? Who is reading this? Why don’t you talk to me?!)
This morning, I decided to try to upload the backup I had of all my databases and files. The files made it over okay, but somewhere in cyberspace, my databases fell apart. I tried uploading them manually, but they were too big. I tried splitting them and uploading them separately, but they broke. I tried all the things I knew how to do – granted, I’m not exactly the most advanced person to try these things – and nothing worked.
I’m mostly at peace with my new space now. It gives me a chance to start over and clean things up, and gives me a fresh start. I have a copy of the backup in case I ever figure out what I can do with it, but I might just let it go. It’s nice having a clean start.
I’ll likely be writing a new life list, since mine is buried in my backup. I’m sure many of my priorities have changed since I wrote the last one, anyway.
It’s a bit weird writing here now. It echoes a bit. I don’t think I mind as much as I thought I would.