Blah. 

Migraine. Insomnia. Heartburn.

Today was just one big bucket of fun, can’t you tell? I think the weather changes are getting to me.

Mark bought us Little Caesar’s, and we are watching some Game of Thrones (started season 6, finally) so at least my evening is looking up.

Hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight!

Censored.

It’s 2:30 am and I can’t sleep, but I can’t feel comfortable writing all of the things that are keeping me from sleeping because I don’t know how much of my life I’m okay with sharing online anymore.

I used to have no boundaries, no secrets, no limit to what I would share. It’s not that I’m into anything unusual or illegal or anything like that, I’ve just come to value my privacy more and more as I’ve gotten older and made heavier life decisions.

It’s frustrating, though, because I want to be able to open up to the world and explain everything that’s going on in my head. Of course, there aren’t that many people around who would see it – when is the last time someone actually came here to read anything?

I just wish all of the lines in my life weren’t so blurry right now. I have the best husband, and a fantastic job, and so many things are going my way. I just feel like I’m stuck in a tiny box and can’t scream loud enough for anyone to hear me. My depression is acting up horribly – I can see that clearly – but I’m fighting like hell to keep it from taking over my mind. It’s just exhausting to be fighting this battle 24/7.

It doesn’t help that I’m almost literally surrounded by people having children, when I don’t know if that’s even a possibility for me. All of my medical tests lately have come back relatively normal – I don’t have PCOS, which is good, and I’m not diabetic (which is unrelated but the “specialist” I saw was convinced of both of those – but I’m still having lots of fertility-related problems. The most recent was spending Easter weekend in and out of the hospital and doctor’s offices – I was bleeding profusely and ended up needing to take a week off of work to recover. I’ve since been put on some medication to try to slow things down when they start to get bad, but nobody can tell why it happened in the first place.

I just want to know – will I ever become a mom? And if I do, can I handle it?

Purring

I just crawled into bed after a night of tv with my best friend, and the minute I did, Lilo snuggled up to me and started purring. I have never had an animal this attached to me before. Such pure, innocent love from this tiny, (mostly) helpless creature.

Times like this, I realize just how lucky I am. 

Exciting day!

Today I impulsively went for something I’ve wanted for quite some time – I bought a car! I had to sell my last car to buy books for my first semester in university, so it makes me feel like I’m back on track with my life now that I once again have a vehicle all my own.

With the amount of pain and fatigue I feel on a daily basis, coupled with the fact that our transit system here is less than ideal, I don’t get out much anymore. It costs $20 to get to and from the grocery store alone, unless we get a friend to take us! It will be so nice being able to do things without relying on other people again.

Photos to come after I pick her up tomorrow!

Sunday night musings

This was quite the weekend filled with anxiety and migraines. (My propranolol seems to still be working, but the stress was possibly too much for it this weekend.)

Yesterday I stayed home from gaming (boo!) and went with Mark and his parents to pick up a few things for the apartment and look for bookshelves. We ended up with a new rug for the kitchen, a couple of baskets for the bathroom shelves, and I decided to finally splurge and try the Kate Somerville blemish banisher kit. That is one splurge I highly recommend making if your skin is “particular” like mine – just two days in and it’s already clearer.

Today, I had to call 911 on our downstairs neighbours. They were going at it again – this time it sounded like possibly two females and a male. They were screaming at each other and crying and there were the sounds of things being thrown or slammed, so I decided enough was enough and made the call. I don’t want to get involved in other people’s affairs, but I’ve heard children in or near that apartment so I didn’t want to take any risks. Any domestic violence is something that needs to be reported. The police showed up reasonably quickly and things mostly quieted down after, so I’m not sure what happened. One of the women was on the phone yelling at someone to come home and crying hysterically later, but it didn’t sound dangerous. I’m on edge now though – we’re not going to let it keep happening.

On top of that, while I was making supper tonight my dad decided to leave snarky comments on my Facebook wall about how my sister had a baby and he thought he should tell me because “it doesn’t seem I’ve noticed”. My mother called him out on the fact that we had already congratulated her, and he deleted his comment shortly after. He continues to plague me – I’m so far away from him and should be able to just put him out of my mind, but for some reason I can’t. I’m hoping that therapy helps with that. It’s sad, but I’d rather he not be a part of my life, than a cause of so much anxiety. We shall see how it goes, I suppose.

And so it begins…

One of my sisters had her baby today. I guess I haven’t talked about it here, but my sisters were both pregnant – I guess now only one of them is. He’s a healthy baby boy and my dad flew out to California to be there for the birth.

I talked to my mom today and congratulated her on being a grandma – it’s odd that I am not having the first or second grandchild in the family since I’m the oldest. My family dynamic is odd anyway. My dad thought I was pregnant when I was in my early 20s (I had a kidney infection and was very sick for a couple of weeks) and told me that I was wasting my life. My sister gets pregnant in her early 20s and he flies halfway across the country to cut the umbilical cord.

This is why I’m starting therapy next week.