I just crawled into bed after a night of tv with my best friend, and the minute I did, Lilo snuggled up to me and started purring. I have never had an animal this attached to me before. Such pure, innocent love from this tiny, (mostly) helpless creature.
Times like this, I realize just how lucky I am.
Today I impulsively went for something I’ve wanted for quite some time – I bought a car! I had to sell my last car to buy books for my first semester in university, so it makes me feel like I’m back on track with my life now that I once again have a vehicle all my own.
With the amount of pain and fatigue I feel on a daily basis, coupled with the fact that our transit system here is less than ideal, I don’t get out much anymore. It costs $20 to get to and from the grocery store alone, unless we get a friend to take us! It will be so nice being able to do things without relying on other people again.
Photos to come after I pick her up tomorrow!
This was quite the weekend filled with anxiety and migraines. (My propranolol seems to still be working, but the stress was possibly too much for it this weekend.)
Yesterday I stayed home from gaming (boo!) and went with Mark and his parents to pick up a few things for the apartment and look for bookshelves. We ended up with a new rug for the kitchen, a couple of baskets for the bathroom shelves, and I decided to finally splurge and try the Kate Somerville blemish banisher kit. That is one splurge I highly recommend making if your skin is “particular” like mine – just two days in and it’s already clearer.
Today, I had to call 911 on our downstairs neighbours. They were going at it again – this time it sounded like possibly two females and a male. They were screaming at each other and crying and there were the sounds of things being thrown or slammed, so I decided enough was enough and made the call. I don’t want to get involved in other people’s affairs, but I’ve heard children in or near that apartment so I didn’t want to take any risks. Any domestic violence is something that needs to be reported. The police showed up reasonably quickly and things mostly quieted down after, so I’m not sure what happened. One of the women was on the phone yelling at someone to come home and crying hysterically later, but it didn’t sound dangerous. I’m on edge now though – we’re not going to let it keep happening.
On top of that, while I was making supper tonight my dad decided to leave snarky comments on my Facebook wall about how my sister had a baby and he thought he should tell me because “it doesn’t seem I’ve noticed”. My mother called him out on the fact that we had already congratulated her, and he deleted his comment shortly after. He continues to plague me – I’m so far away from him and should be able to just put him out of my mind, but for some reason I can’t. I’m hoping that therapy helps with that. It’s sad, but I’d rather he not be a part of my life, than a cause of so much anxiety. We shall see how it goes, I suppose.
One of my sisters had her baby today. I guess I haven’t talked about it here, but my sisters were both pregnant – I guess now only one of them is. He’s a healthy baby boy and my dad flew out to California to be there for the birth.
I talked to my mom today and congratulated her on being a grandma – it’s odd that I am not having the first or second grandchild in the family since I’m the oldest. My family dynamic is odd anyway. My dad thought I was pregnant when I was in my early 20s (I had a kidney infection and was very sick for a couple of weeks) and told me that I was wasting my life. My sister gets pregnant in her early 20s and he flies halfway across the country to cut the umbilical cord.
This is why I’m starting therapy next week.
We had quite the scare last night.
I got home at my usual time, and gave Lilo some dinner after giving her some belly rubs and a hug. I went into the living room to hang out on the computer and was listening to an audiobook in my headphones, and suddenly I heard a sound that sounded like Lilo was getting sick. I went to check on her, thinking maybe she ate too quickly or had swallowed some hair or something, when I noticed she was wheezing and breathing through her mouth, and couldn’t seem to catch her breath. I checked her throat (much to her displeasure) and saw there was nothing there, and she wasn’t swollen or anything. We kept an eye on her for about a half hour (once we confirmed that she was breathing) because we thought maybe some food had gone down the wrong way, and she’d eventually cough it out or be sick.
After we realized it wasn’t going anywhere, we decided to take her up to the emergency vet to make sure she wasn’t in any serious danger. They did some tests, gave her a physical exam and two x-rays, and saw pretty much nothing wrong. Her lungs were a bit cloudy (we always suspected she was a tiny bit asthmatic so this was not a surprise at all) and that she had swallowed a lot of air in her attempts to fix whatever was wrong. Once they were done, they gave her some steroids and let us watch her for a bit to see if she was acting normally.
We took her home and I stayed with her all day today. She seems to be okay, but I was so nervous. I’m glad she ended up fine and am so grateful that we get to spend more time with our grumpy old lady.
I cannot wait for our Disney trip. I’m very burnt out from one of our busiest times at work and rearranging my meds and basically just trying to be a human. I need a real vacation! It will be my first vacation in years and we certainly have earned it. We have all the preparations in place – just waiting for our plane tickets to arrive and we are set! (Aside from packing, of course.)
Another thing that will be helpful for me in the near future is that I will be seeing a psychologist starting next week. The one I’ve chosen specializes in childhood trauma and anxiety/depression and her “recommended reading” list is perfect. It’s silly to pick a psychologist based on books they recommend but when 90% of those books call to you specifically, it has to be a sign.
I’m at a point where I think the medications (citalopram and Wellbutrin) are levelling me out chemically and I feel okay enough to start approaching the healing process from the other side. The medication I’m on to prevent migraines (propranolol) has some anxiety-related side effects, but they so far seem to be worse when my dose is adjusted and tolerable otherwise.
At this point, I just want to be healthy.
Today’s plans were to go out to a friend’s house to play D&D, but I’m a bit of a wimp when it comes to storms. It’s not that it’s bad so far – the snow just started about a half hour ago. It’s that it will continue to accumulate and by the time we’re done, there’s no telling how bad it will be.
Instead, today Mark and I will be making slow cooker chicken parmesan (one of his specialties!) and staying warm in our apartment. I had suggested perhaps putting together a puzzle, but we’re still not sure. For now, I’m playing some Minecraft and Mark is reading. Quiet days are the best!
I had a doctor appointment yesterday. Most of the things we’re doing are right on track, but we’ve made a couple of changes. My Propranolol (migraine prevention) has increased, since I was still getting more migraines than the doctor would prefer. Also, she’s written me a prescription for psychology so that it will be covered by my healthcare plan from work. I think I need to finally talk out all the things that are bottled up inside me – with a professional.
2016 is going to be my year – I can tell!
Last night was a terrible storm, which meant that I ended up working from home to avoid traffic issues and getting stuck in massive snow drifts. It worked out particularly well for me because of three things:
1. Since I get so tired when travelling, even the 90 minute trip to work wears me out, and I dread it every evening on the way back. Being able to work at my desk at home without exerting the energy to get to work meant that I could spend more effort and energy on the work itself and not be exhausted or in pain.
2. I work better when there is relative quiet, or at least noise that I have control over. I have something called hyperacusis which means that I am exceptionally sensitive to sounds. Even someone laughing in the next room can set it off, and being in loud spaces tends to give me major anxiety. The worst is what I like to call “competing sounds” – people talking over each other, music on top of other (different) music, or multiple various sounds all at once. I have a hard time filtering them and struggle to pick out the one I want to hear. Being able to turn off anything around me that’s making noise is super helpful and relaxes me.
3. It seems I have some sort of stomach bug, and spent my day trying to eat small meals and drink lots of water – between frequent trips to the restroom. I’m hoping this will pass for tomorrow, as most of the snow has, but only time will tell.
Luckily, quarter end is almost over! This makes me so happy and I am glad to not have to worry about it for much longer. The job itself doesn’t get to me as much as my own expectations going into a hectic time – I know things are much harder but I demand the same standard of work from myself that I would give if it was a slower time of the year. So far, so good!
For now, I think I will read for a bit (finishing up I Heart Christmas, even though I haven’t read any of the other books in the series, and Christmas has definitely passed!) and then get some well-earned sleep. Goodnight, world!